♪ I don't have plans and schemes ♪
♪ And I don't have hopes and dreams ♪
♪ I don't have anything ♪
♪ Since I don't ♪
♪ Have you ♪
Fuck.
I cannot believe you did it again.
Mam.
Oh, you're so boring.
How many times you gonna do this with her?
It's like "Return of the Living Dead."
Her grandma died yesterday.
Oh. Pity shag.
Mm-mm. We're invited to the wake.
Oh, yeah. Wakey-wakey.
Shove it up your jack, Mary.
Oh...
Your grandma had a long life, Aine.
I can't believe I rode you again.
Oh.
Last night was a mistake.
Absolutely. Why?
For the last couple of weeks, Frank,
I've been... I've been seeing someone.
A doctor.
Oh, my God.
Is it serious?
It might be.
Do I need to get tested?
No, Frank. I've been seeing him.
We've been seeing each other.
So, it is serious.
Do I need to get tested or not?
I have to go.
- That was the last time. - Absolutely.
Hey. Do you want to get brunch?
"Thank God for the rain.
"It washes the crap off the sidewalk.
"Someday, a big rain will wash away
all this scum on the street.
"Loneliness follows me wherever I go.
"I am...
God's lonely man."
Robert DeNiro. "Taxi Driver."
Very good.
It's a great movie. Have you seen it?
Nope. Don't really want to.
"You never had no pussy like that.
"You could do whatever you like with her, you could..."
"She'll get your cock so hard she'll make it explode."
- I was doin' Harvey Keitel. - Oh.
Doofus!
Hey!
- Doofus! - Get back, will ya?
Doofus. Doofus.
- Frank? - The wake, Doofus, the wake.
I can't, Frank.
I'll be fired.
I have to be back before lunch.
Frank.
What's the plan, Frank?
You hawk these by the buffet.
I'll press the flesh, check out the corpse.
Get your Duke Governs EP, two for a fiver.
- Christ, Doofus. - St. Francis of Assisi
come to preach the simple life.
Mam, what are you doin' here? You said you couldn't give me a lift.
Free booze. Bit of craic.
It's lovely to see ya, Frank. It means so much to Aine.
Myself and Aine are just friends now, Padraig,
I've been very clear. The last thing I want to do is
get back with that nightmare you call a daughter.
Now, where's the corpse?
- Me mam? - Your mam. Yeah.
They've got trifle, Frank.
Sandra's not your mam anymore.
You know, from this day forward,
she's... she's just a dead old lady.
Well, I hope that helps.
- Not really. - Oh...
I wanted to ask you something, Frank.
Would you do us the very great honor
of playing a song at her funeral?
- What? - Holy shit. A gig?
No, not a gig, no. No, I was thinkin' more like
one song, you know, at the funeral.
He'll fuck it up, Padraig.
Doofus, he wants me to play a gig.
A gig? Holy shitballs. Woo!
Give me high five, buddy.
You know what? That sounds great.
Let... Let me think about it, Padraig, okay?
It's just... It's been a while since I've actually, um...
- Mm-hm. - Can I get back to you?
It's just... Yeah. Where's Aine?
She's inside with her new boyfriend.
Her new what?
Why didn't someone tell me? Have they...
- Have they done it yet? - I hope not.
He does MMA.
Duke Governs, back in the game!
- Frank. - What's this? Who's this?
Oh, my God, that's so weird.
Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.
Oh, Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.
Sorry, it's just I've never seen a stiff before.
She looks terrible. Is she stuffed?
She's not stuffed, Frank.
She looks so realistic.
What's goin' on here? How did this happen?
Doctor said it was organ failure.
Not this. This.
Oh. Well, it's, uh...
It's kind of a mad story, actually.
Mad story, actually.
I was walking down Thomas Street a few weeks ago,
and all of a sudden, I see this vision.
And she's being hassled by some awful thugs, so I, um...
Well, look, I... I stepped in.
Don't be so modest, Peter-Brian.
- He does MMA. - Oh, I heard.
And I know your type. Underground ravings.
All night sex parties. Drinkin' way too much water.
Shittin' yourself.
Are you thinking of MDMA?
- No. - MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts.
I know what it stands for. Well, I'm a musician.
- I'm sure Aine told you. - Well, she said you...
You hadn't played in quite a while.
I'm actually playing the funeral tomorrow.
- What? Frank, no. - What's your jam, man?
- Don't bond with him. - I'm a singer-songwriter.
I go under the moniker
Duke Governs and the Legislators.
The last few years, I've been working on
a 32-track double album about Ireland
in which each song is named after a single county.
I've only got the title so far, but I just came up with
"Blood Is Thicker Than Waterford," so you're welcome.
What do you do when you're not preying on vagrants,
and gettin' off your tits?
I'm a doctor.
So am I.
- You're not a doctor, Frank. - I'm gonna do MDMA.
- MMA. - And you definitely don't do MMA.
I do. Yeah.
- Are you a doctor, dude? - No.
That's Frank.
Did you know that taking Ecstasy...
also known as dabbing or bombing...
- is considered a gateway drug... - He doesn't do Ecstasy.
- It stands for Mixed Martial Arts. - Mixed Martial Arts.
I know.
You're rushing things, Aine. We only broke off...
- Six years ago. - Six years ago,
and all of a sudden you're out gallivanting with a yoked up party boy.
- It doesn't mean Ecstasy. - I know.
What was all that last night?
I was upset about my grandma.
Bullshit.
Frank, you don't want me.
You just want me to be unhappy without you.
Exactly. So the thing you have going with Barry-Peter...
- Peter-Brian. - It's 100 percent unacceptable.
You broke up with me because...
because I wouldn't do anal.
A relationship should be give and take.
Give and take.
Are you guys goin' out again?
- We'll see, Doofus, we'll see. - No, Frank, it's over.
If you want Billy-Barry in there,
any funny stuff off my gig tomorrow,
I'll knock his bloody block off.
I'd like to see you try.
I need to learn MMA before the funeral.
- Book it now. - No, I'm due back at work, Frank, they'll sack me.
- MMA, now. - Shouldn't you rehearse instead?
- MMA. Now, now, now! - Okay.
You ever seen the film "Taxi Driver"?
- No. - Amazing movie.
In a world gone bananas,
one sane man stands up for what's right.
"Do you know what he called you?
He called you a little piece of chicken."
Don't really know the film so...
"You never had no pussy like that!
"You can do...
"Man, she'll get your cock so hard, she'll make it explode."
- I was doin' Harvey Keitel. - He was doin' Harvey Keitel.
What time is it?
Might have a quick cry.
Five more minutes, Frank.
Okay.
This is the last time I take time off work, Frank.
They, uh... They said if I miss one more day,
I'm out on my ear.
Holy shit.
Look at her.
I love her, Frank.
I love her.
Frank, is it?
- Yes, miss. - Nicola.
I'll be your trainer today.
Right.
Let's start in the cage, boys.
Lock it.
So, lads, what are you lookin' to get out of this?
To defend myself against bullies.
- To defend myself against doctors. - Okay.
Can you teach me how to do a fish hook, Nicola?
- It's for a funeral. - Yeah, fish hooks are banned.
It said on your form you've done a bit of sparring, Doofus.
Uh, yeah, well, I, um... I used to work, uh,
part time in a Spar, so it was only light sparring.
I'm a wee bit rusty is the thing, Nicola.
Wah-wah. I'm a wee bit rusty, Nicola.
Oil me up. Cover me in oil.
Fuckin' hell!
- That hurt? - No.
Nicola. Yeah, that's a... that's a nice name.
- Are you busy tomorrow or... - Hey, don't...
Oh, wow. Oh, man, that hurts.
Straight left to the chest. Watch out for that Doofus, yeah?
- Thank you. - Oh, yeah!
Champion of everything.
- Fuckin' hell! - It's a liver shot, it's deadly.
Is that a boner?
Yeah. I don't know, that's...
that's a strange one.
I'm sorry. You're so pretty.
- You little... - Nice to meet ya, Nicola.
- Nicola. - Help me, Frank.
Would you like to go for a drink with me tonight?
Frank, you have to rehearse.
Yeah, why not.
If the date goes well tonight,
I might ask her to the funeral.
She's the perfect combo of protection and arm candy.
But I bagsied her.
You kicked her in the gee, Doofus.
I was jealous.
See you in the mornin'.
Oh, no, I can't go, Frank, my work.
Hey.
- What's goin' on? - Nothing.
Frank.
H... How are you, Frank?
Padraig.
- What are you doin' here? - Grieving.
He just looked so sad.
She's a wonderful woman, your mother.
She took me in. She loved me.
Oh, God.
She made me feel again.
Yeah. Oh, Mam. I've decided.
- I'm playin' the funeral. - You'll do it?
Oh, Frank. That's great news.
What a family.
Why don't you boys take it outside
and discuss the details?
Give Mary some alone time.
Yeah. Let's get you into some pants.
The last thing we want at a comeback concert...
My mam's not coming back.
Is for me to get up there and sing something boring.
You know? Like, I just came up with a title,
"The Witches of East Wicklow,"
which I really think is a quite good idea.
Have you written it or have you just come up with a title?
Just come up with a title.
The funeral is tomorrow, we don't have time.
- You need to rehearse. - What did you have in mind?
Well, Mam always loved "The Lord Is My Shepherd."
Jesus, Padraig. Buzz kill.
Let me play something that people can sing along to.
I Googled some heartbreaking ballads,
which are actually popular with our target audience of elderly mourners.
So how about, "My Heart Will Go On"?
Well, Mam died from the... the heart trouble,
- I never knew... - Okay, fair enough.
"How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You"?
- She was diabetic. - Right.
- "You'll Never Walk Alone"? - Two things.
- It was by Jerry and the Pacemakers. - Oh, God.
And she lost her left foot to diabetes,
so the whole idea of walking alone...
- "Unforgettable"? - Towards the end, Frank, you know, her memory wasn't...
You need to work with me on this, Padraig.
What about,
♪ There was an old man called Michael Finnegan... ♪
Same second name.
♪ She grew whiskers on her chin again ♪
Fuck it!
"The Lord Is My Shepherd" it is.
- You happy now? - Yes. Thanks.
Listen, is Mary coming tomorrow?
There's something special about that woman.
Yeah. I better go.
Okay, go. And practice the song.
Yeah. Yeah, practice the song.
Sorry I'm late. I had to stop for a cry.
Yeah. No worries. I drank your pint.
Next to me, little man.
Yeah, just...
Listen, I can't stay long, I've got a gig in the morning.
A gig. Really?
Yeah, I have to rehearse the song, too.
Let's just take it easy. Just gonna have one pint,
and then head home.
Hey.
Do you want some MDMA?
♪ The Lord is my shepherd, I'll not want ♪
♪ He makes me down to lie ♪
♪ In pastures green he leadeth me ♪
♪ The quiet waters by ♪
♪ Within the paths of righteousness ♪
♪ For his own namesake ♪
Jesus Christ, no!
I really need to learn that song.
Fuck that. Red or white?
- What? - Never mind.
Rosé.
Who's this, Frank?
My MDMA instructor.
And what's she doing here?
Teaching me the basics of unarmed combat.
- Right. - Ahh!
You know, I dated a fella once
who was into erotic asphyxiation.
Didn't work out in the end.
He needed room to breathe.
- He couldn't breathe. - I get it.
- I was chokin' him when I was... - I get it, Mam.
I don't think you should play the funeral, pet.
- Last time you... - It's my destiny.
I am destiny's child.
We talked about this, Frank. The cycle.
Never moving on. Still living at home.
You think I want to stay in this hell hole?
I'm looking after you.
I'm the dutiful son personified.
You really believe that?
All right, Frank.
Well, it's your funeral.
Uh...
Wha... What kind of gig is this?
Huh?
- Is this a funeral? - Yeah. Problem?
- Sellin' the EPs, Doofus. - No.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I... I got fired from work, Frank.
Frank, you're late. Who's this?
Where's Mary? Are you on drugs?
Padraig, I've a lot on my plate right now, okay?
What's the story with sound check?
Sound check?
The funeral's started.
Jesus' sake. Amateur hour.
Hi. You look nice.
So we thank you for joining us today
to celebrate the life of Sandra Finnegan.
May peace be with you.
...we have a special friend...
- May peace be with you. Yeah. - Frank Marron,
also known as Duke Governs,
- who is going to sing Sandra's favorite song... - May peace be with you.
- "The Lord Is My Shepherd." - May peace be with you.
I'm not singing that horseshit.
I'm doing "Every Breath You Take."
No, no, no. She had emphysema.
She had everything under the fuckin' sun, Padraig.
Fine.
I'll freestyle this motherfucker.
Well, that's the second worst case of organ failure this week.
Here's a little ditty for God's sickest woman.
Woo!
♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪
♪ She grew whiskers on her chin again ♪
♪ The wind came out and blew them in again ♪
Nope.
♪ Poor old Sandra Finnegan, begin again ♪
Everybody!
♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪
For God's sake.
- What? What? - You're ruining this.
Shut up, Aine.
Sandra hated you anyway.
Frank. It is not an appropriate song.
What are you talkin' about? She had a beard.
- You need to stop, dude. - Oh!
What are you gonna do about it, tough guy?
I've got protection with me this time.
Everybody, meet Nicola.
She's my new girlfriend- slash-bodyguard.
She's built like a brick shithouse,
and she's got a black belt in lovemaking, doggie style.
Nicki, sic 'em!
- Nope. - This is all totally out of order, Frank.
Don't talk to me about out of order, Padraig,
you were halfway up my mam yesterday.
Now, I really want to
hear you on this next verse. Okay?
♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪
Fish hook, you bastard.
Hey, hey, they're banned!
Oh, no, he's gettin' a boner.
Help, Doofus, please.
I'm sorry, you're so beautiful.
Fuckin'... Oh, no, you're not!
Why does he have a boner?
- I'll tell him to move on, okay? - Okay.
Get your Duke Governs EPs!
Two for a fiver!
Hey. Look.
I'm sorry.
I want you to go. Okay?
Okay.
Ah! I'm with PB now, all right?
And he treats me well.
He's a doctor.
He doesn't even ask about anal.
Unless he's had a beer, and even then...
he doesn't push it.
Tell him you have to push it.
Otherwise, it doesn't go in.
Thanks for the lift.
My taxi account's been suspended.
How'd it go?
Yeah, okay, I think.
Mam, why does everything turn out shit for me?
Is it because I'm...
God's lonely man?
It's because you're a prick, Frank.
Oh.
You have to learn to think of other people's feelings.
Oh, okay.
- Mary. - Fuck.
Don't move.
Mary. My mother always told me I need to be braver in love.
Now that she's gone, I realize she was right.
So here goes.
Mary Marron.
Would you like to meet me for a drink sometime?
You gonna answer him?
I don't think so.
No.
Mary. Mary!
Mary!
Hey. You ever seen the film "Taxi Driver"?
Course I have. Great movie.
"You never had no pussy like that."