- Aha! - [grunts]
Aha.
- You better start talking. - You missed me!
I'm gonna dodge every blow.
[grunting]
Tell me.
[laughing]
[exciting music]
♪ ♪
Huh?
Tell me where that demon is,
or I'll slice you in half.
Demons? I don't know any demons.
I know you helped him.
Your foul slime was all over the doorknob to his cave.
I ain't no snitch.
Eh, who puts a door on a cave, anyway?
Tell me where that demon is,
or I'll get to see what you had for breakfast.
I had a sunrise scramble on toast points.
[mystical whooshing]
Brendar.
Unhand that serpent at once.
Really? Now?
I was just at my big finish.
I didn't appear in a magical vision
to argue with you.
[sighs] But Queen Shimmerian,
I spent, like, three days
tracking this serpent to his lair.
- [chuckles] - That was three days
you should have spent maintaining the Royal Order.
Ugh.
You keep going on these pointless quests.
They aren't pointless.
Yeah, except they are.
- [grunting] - Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ah!
What's the princess-warrior's
most important job in her life?
To smile while cutting ribbons
at solstice festivals.
Exactly.
Oh, wow, that's essential.
[scoffs] If all we're meant to be is ribbon cutters,
why do you train us to be warriors?
To make you strong so you can be self-sufficient
yet completely dependent at the same time.
But Queen, the demon Alvin killed my mother
and took my brother Kendar.
He's the only family I have left.
Wow. That's a lot of exposition.
We should be your family.
And I've had enough of your shenanigans.
How did you find out about my shenanigans?
I see all!
And someone ratted you out.
- It was I. - [gasps]
- [both chuckle] - Hey, gossip girls.
Wanna know what it really feels like to be stabbed
- in the back? - Ow! Ow-ow!
Oh, you're fine.
You've had so many "secret quests"
that the people of Gothmoria have given you a slogan.
Ooh, what it is?
Over five billion severed?
You are known to be feared
and revered throughout the land.
Oh, it rhymes.
You're a loose cannon, Brendar.
Therefore, I'm taking your sword...
- [gasps] - Sparkly tunic...
- [gasps] - And your sensible
soled footwear.
- No! - Yes.
I'm demoting you back down to...
- Moat duty? - Worse.
Barbarian.
But then how will I be able to rescue my brother?
May Brendar be an example to every warrior-princess:
Disobey your queen, you'll be shunned
and cut from the family.
Like a ribbon.
[both chuckle]
[magical whooshing]
[sighs]
Hey. She forgot to take my sword.
- Yoink. - [gasps]
[sighs]
She kicked me out of the Order.
She took my boots and my sword.
I loved that sword.
[laughing]
So how do you think you're gonna
slice me in half now, barbarian?
I'll show you.
- [grunts] - Wha?
What's happening?
That's not good.
[triumphant rock music]
Uh, okay, hold on, wait, wait, wait...
- [grunting] - Ow! Oof! Uh! Yow!
- I'll ask you again. - Ow!
Where is the demon Alvin?
All right, fine.
Last I saw, he was headed to the jungles of Ganthor.
But you'll never defeat him; He's too strong.
I'm pretty strong too.
Huh?
- [grunts] - No, no, no, no, no, no!
Yee-ouch!
♪ ♪
Eh, I'm okay.
Brendar the Barbarian, huh?
That has a nice ring to it.
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ The Barbarian and the Troll ♪
"On another personal quest
"to amend her complicated and mysterious backstory,
"Brendar the Barbarian defeated a large serpent
with her bare hands?"
Hey, can you check the sports page?
I wanna see who won in the Giants versus the Bears.
The Giants crushed the Bears.
Aw, come on!
That's a sack of coin I'll never see again.
Don't you cross my bridge without paying a toll!
Surrender your silver or surrender your life!
Show yourself, mighty tollbooth operator.
Um, technically, I'm a troll-booth operator.
Uh, either way, I've gotta collect a silver piece.
Aw, come on, mister.
My ol' goat has a bum hip,
so we can't wade through the stream like we used to.
Body-shaming your goat's not gonna help.
I gotta collect a toll.
Troll king's rules, not mine.
- Let me at him! Let me at him! - [grunting]
Get ready to butt heads, butthead!
- Uh-oh. - [laughs]
You made Helen mad,
and you don't wanna deal with a cranky goat.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No need for violence.
All right, I'll make you a deal.
Um. Ooh.
I'll play you a song,
and then if you leave a donation,
I'll consider the toll paid.
- Well. - Eh.
- Guess so. - Ooh.
[smacks lips] Here goes.
♪ Bridge life, bridge life ♪
♪ No one will pay me ♪
♪ No one will save me from damp pants ♪
♪ Or flesh-eating ants ♪
♪ No one's afraid of me ♪
♪ My father's ashamed of me ♪
♪ Bridge life, bridge life ♪
♪ Bridge life ♪
♪ Ee-ba-be-ba-dee-ba-dee bridge ♪
♪ Wa-dee-der-dee-dee-ber-dee life ♪
♪ Once upon a time in a land far away ♪
♪ I don't know what happened ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm under a bridge all day ♪
♪ Bridge life, bridge life ♪
♪ Bridge life ♪
♪ Smidge life ♪
Yeah! [chuckles]
- That was just awful. - [groans]
Yeah, I feel like you owe me money now.
[sighs] That was my best song.
Well, now we know the problem.
Your songs are super boring.
Yeah, you need to get out there.
Get you some life experience.
All right.
That review was both hurtful and constructive,
but you know what?
Reviews don't count as payment.
[machinery whirring]
[grunting]
Ah.
[clears throat]
By the power vested in me by the Troll King,
Your bridge access is denied.
Ah!
You know what to do, Helen.
Head down, aim for the doughy midsection.
[dramatic music]
[stammering]
[Helen bleats]
[yelling]
[grunting]
You should get out and see the world.
Might help your songs.
Hit up my goat yoga class and tighten that core.
Honestly, it was like headbutting a bag of pudding.
[tense music]
[sighs]
[playing mournful tune]
♪ This bridge ♪
♪ Has left a stain upon my soul ♪
♪ How could you ever understand ♪
♪ The pain of a troll? ♪
Oh, yeah, now I hear it.
That little girl and her goat were right.
My lyrics are so limited.
I gotta get out from under this bridge.
I gotta put myself out there.
I heard you got your butt kicked.
Wha?
[grunts]
[dramatic music]
Ah! Your Majesty.
A troll doesn't let anyone cross
without collecting a toll.
No matter what. It's our thing.
But Dad, it was two against one!
A preteen and a goat named Helen?
Wha?
Whoa, that was fast.
This bridge belonged to your grandfather.
He used to terrify villagers
- throughout Gothmoria. - Here we go.
Mounted knights would poop their armor
just to try to avoid crossing here.
Yeah, how would that help?
And now you've turned it into a lute lounge!
Yeah. Sorry, Dad.
[somber music]
[sighs]
[grunts]
I guess I was too overprotective as a father.
Maybe I should've let your mother eat you
when you were a baby.
Well, she still tries to eat me all the time.
That's a troll mother's prerogative, son.
Yeah, but she keeps giving me
flagons of barbecue sauce marked "body splash"
for my birthdays.
Yeah.
So Dad, can I ask you a question?
Here we go.
What if my future were more about music
and less... mm... bridge-orientated?
Less bridge-orientated?!
You're a troll prince!
This bridge is your blood!
It's your blood, not mine!
I need to put myself out there,
maybe go on a journey or something.
[laughing] Unbelievable.
You really think you're gonna get somewhere in life
plucking that little lute of yours?
[scoffs] Jesters pluck, Dad.
- I strum! - Ha!
And if you ever listened,
you'd probably give me a very positive review,
but you never listen!
I'm a king! I don't listen to no one!
Look, you were born
a Royal Keeper of the Bridges of Gothmoria.
Oh, for the last time, I am a music guy!
I am not a bridge guy.
But if you can't see that,
[voice breaking] well, then maybe I should go.
Don't do this, Evan.
Don't throw it all away for dreams and feelings!
If you leave this bridge now, young man,
don't expect to come back.
Ever.
[gasps] Yes, Your Majesty!
[sobbing]
You literally just burned a bridge.
[flames crackling]
What's this place made of, anyway?
Matchsticks?
[unsettling string music]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
- Still good on that flagon? - Oh, yes, sir.
All right, I'll bring your check in a jiff.
Sure.
[sighs] What can I get you?
Gee, I don't know.
I just got kicked out of the Royal Order,
lost my favorite sword,
had to fight a band of goblins for a new one,
haven't slept in four nights,
and I don't like a lot of sauces!
What do you recommend?
Well, the chicken's not that spoiled.
[sighs] I'll have that.
One Attila the Hen, dry!
Order up! One chinchilla muffin, fried!
[curious music]
Ugh.
Hey, Kyle.
You didn't return any of my carrier pigeons.
I've been busy.
- Cooking the carrier pigeons. - What?
They were yesterday's specials.
Oh. Uh, okay.
Well, have you given any more thought
to me performing here?
Oh, look, kid.
This just isn't the place
for you to be playing your peppy little songs, okay?
So move along.
Well, hold on.
Not all my songs are peppy!
I got a bunch that are really depressing.
[sighs] Look.
Do not do this, okay?
This crowd will eat you alive.
Literally. [patron coughing]
So why don't you go back to your bridge, okay, buddy?
I'm between bridges right now.
I... I'm trying to put myself out there
and find my destiny.
Please, Kyle, you're the only guy I know
who can help me.
[sighs]
You're just not gonna back down, are you?
Sign me up.
All right, okay.
All right, quiet down.
Quiet... shut up!
Welcome to our first... And likely last...
Open horn night of music and singing
right here at the Queen's Goiter.
So go easy on this guy. He's a good kid.
Yeah, good with a side of fried onions!
[laughter]
I don't know, he probably tastes terrible.
But apparently he's good with a lute.
All right, give it up for Evan, the musical troll of Gothmoria.
[jeers and scattered applause]
Hey, thanks for coming out to support the arts, you guys.
I am Evan.
Um, about me, uh, I have been kicked around by life.
Most recently by a little girl and her nanny goat
who didn't want to pay a toll to cross my bridge.
Boring!
In fact, no one really pays the toll lately.
People just ignore me and walk across.
I almost gave up.
[belches]
Oh, like that guy. [chuckles]
But I didn't give up.
Instead, I wrote a song
about fresh starts and new beginnings.
Goes a little something like this.
[playing uplifting music]
♪ That feeling when you can't sleep ♪
♪ 'Cause your bridge keeps crumbling ♪
♪ Chunks onto your head ♪
♪ That feeling when you wanna weep ♪
♪ When you think of collecting ♪
♪ That same old toll again ♪
♪ I got 99 problems, but a bridge ain't one ♪
♪ I burned mine down ♪
♪ Someday, I'll see the sun ♪
♪ That feeling when your journey ♪
♪ Is just begun ♪
[lively music]
♪ I heard a journey starts when you go somewhere ♪
♪ I need a journey ♪
♪ A journey ♪
♪ I feel it in my warts, and I'm so prepared ♪
♪ I need a journey ♪
♪ A journey ♪
♪ All you goblins and you thieves ♪
♪ Are you feeling me now? ♪
No, don't literally feel me.
♪ Wait, please allow me ♪
♪ To rephrase somehow ♪
Oh, that was really awkward.
♪ Gonna keep on rocking it out ♪
♪ I need a journey ♪
♪ A journey ♪
♪ A journey! ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪
Mm! Mm! Big finish!
Yeah!
Whoo! [laughs]
- [crowd booing] - Who wrote this song?
Do you guys want to hear that again?
[crowd gasping]
[foreboding music]
♪ ♪
I have a message for you.
Sup?
I ordered the chicken.
You're the warrior woman
everyone calls Brendar, right?
Feared and revered is your slogan?
Get lost, owl. You smell like dead mice.
[whispering] They said you'd be intense.
We wanna hire you for a quest.
I quest alone. Now flap off.
Take Skeletor's smiley band and Yorick with you.
Oi. How'd she know my name?
Not now, Yorry.
Listen, this adventure
includes everything you're good at.
Smashing, pillaging.
- General mayhem. - I know who sent you.
Who?
Are you asking me, or are you making an owl sound?
This is an owl sound.
Who. Who.
[sighs] Your team has all the trademarks
of that hacky has-been, the wizard Horus Scrum.
[patrons whispering]
- Uh. - Wha?
- [groans] - If I were to quest,
it wouldn't be with a wizard
known for card tricks and fortune-telling.
Oh, come on.
We could offer you a generous salary,
plus a pretty darn good dental plan.
Are they on the same dental plan?
- Yes. - Hard pass.
Ah!
We have traversed the Black Forest of Hate
and the Gray Swamps of Insecurity
to find you.
We will not be dismissed so easily.
[dramatic music]
[patrons gasp]
When respect is lacking,
my sword starts hacking.
[grunts]
[heroic music]
Ah.
Hot cauldron.
Hey. Look out, guys.
She's got a knife.
If you want to keep your head bone
connected to your neck bone,
I suggest you apologize to this jester
for interrupting his foolish music.
I have battled the Quivering Serpent of Pune!
Your threats mean nothing!
Was that the Elder serpent or her offspring?
Uh, well, it was quivering a lot.
I don't know. It was very large!
And wearing a diaper?
Yes?
- That was the baby. - Ah!
Who I left alive to send a message.
Enough!
Droppings just got real.
Get her!
Go! Go!
♪ ♪
Huh?
Ha!
Ah!
Ah...
Huh?
Ah!
Huh? [gasps]
[laughs]
[grunting]
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.
Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you still hitting yourself?
Ah!
[both grunting]
- Huh? - Hmm.
[cackling]
Ah...
[both grunt]
Uh. Uh... [chuckles]
[grunts]
I'm going to crush your head.
- Hey, numbskull. - Huh?
[grunts]
It's time for you to head out.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait!
No!
Ah.
Uh. Uh. Bleh.
Wow. You are amazing.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
You know, I helped by smashing that guy
over his head with my lute.
I didn't need your help.
In fact, you sort of interrupted my flow.
Your flow?
My battle rhythm was thrown
- by your sloppy technique. - Huh.
- Fighting's not for you. - Stick with your songs.
Oh, yeah, I plan to!
- In fact, I have... - Hold that thought.
I will quest to the castle of Horus Scrum.
That is literally what I came here to accomplish.
The wizard will regret sending such weaklings
to retrieve me.
When I defeat him, the only fortune telling
he will do is to foresee me
tearing up his beard and using it as my bath mat!
[patrons cheering]
We really respond to violence!
Well, I'm glad we established that
before anything drastic went down.
[stirring music]
Oh! Hey, wait, stop!
Look. I think you're my destiny.
Ugh.
Even for a troll, that's a terrible pickup line.
What? No.
That's not what I was trying to do.
I need to learn all the things you seem really good at.
Like living a life of danger.
You are living dangerously.
Stop following me.
No!
My music is terrible,
and the only way to make it better
is to quest with you.
You think you know me?
You will never know me
or my absurdly complex backstory.
Go back to your songs and your bridges
or whatever life of comfort you led before you met me.
Troll.
Um.
[grunts]
I can't.
I literally burned my bridge to the ground.
It... it's too late.
You burned your bridge to the ground?
- Mm-hmm. - That is funny.
[gentle flute music]
Well, hey, look.
If you let me quest with you,
I will write songs about your exploits.
Infectious, hummable songs
that will pass from village to village.
In fact, every tavern in Gothmoria
will sing the ballad of Brendar the Barbarian!
[dramatic music]
Can you work the term "feared and revered"
into the songs of which you speak?
Yeah, put your catchphrase in?
- Done. - It's really more of a slogan.
Uh, still. Not a problem.
- Then join me, frail troll. - Ah!
Risk your life along mine
as we quest towards an uncertain future
- filled with danger... - Ha-ha!
- Risk... - Yeah!
- Probable death. - Ew.
And perhaps a few scattered victories.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
But only if you agree to not blather on
about how exciting everything is.
Mm, okay, sure. [chuckles]
Oh, boy. My first quest.
This is so ex...
Tremely... [clears throat]
Regular and, uh, not special for me at all.
This is already a mistake.
Wha?
[uplifting music]
♪ I heard a journey starts ♪
♪ When you go somewhere ♪
♪ I need a journey ♪
♪ And maybe this journey needs me ♪
♪ And maybe this intimidating barbarian ♪
♪ With the impossibly complex backstory ♪
♪ Needs me ♪
♪ And maybe I'll find the song ♪
♪ That I'm meant to sing! ♪
♪ ♪
Brendar?
Where... hey, wait up.
Where'd she go?
[ominous music]
You have not seen the last of me, barbarian.
I'll get you.
And your peppy goblin too!
[crow caws]
Well, this is unfortunate.
[blowing air]
Shoo! Shoo!
♪ ♪