- What up, MTV?
All winter, we have been headlining the Zero Rules Tour
brought to you by Perdue Zero.
The first chicken that's zero bones,
zero calories.
Climb on, and let's see how we ride.
I'm Ashley, the fun one.
Whoo! So this is Summer.
- She's... - The hot one.
What? Pat O'Brien said it!
Here is Wickie, the fierce one.
True.
Oh, and these are our snacks.
- Ow! - Oh!
- Oh, my gosh! - Sorry, hon.
No, it's okay.
It's all good in the hood, whatevs.com.geocity/cool.
And that's why Dawn is the chill one, y'all.
- Where's Gloria? - Oh, up here!
Desmond wanted to drink, so I was like, "I'll drive."
Next stop, San Diego!
Gloria is always working 25/8,
and, well, that's our bus.
Up next on "The Real World,"
everyone is still afraid of the really nice Black guy.
Girls' trip!
This is not a vacation, Summer.
Okay.
We are locking ourselves in a cabin,
and we are not coming out
until we have a Jingle Ball- worthy anthem.
- I'm flipping pumped! - It's been impossible to focus.
Ah, you're gonna love this place.
It's so worth the money. Thanks for the Venmos, ladies.
The owner is trÃ¨s chic,
lives between Ibiza and Arizona.
I haven't been to the Catskills since I moved
my Halloween stuff out of Caroline's cabin.
- Who's Caroline? - Is that your mom?
- I thought your mom died. - My ex!
Oh.
She always wanted me to pop up for the weekend,
but when you're building a practice,
you don't have weekends off.
God, imagine...
Imagine if we end up running into her.
Can you imagine?
Oh, my god. No!
Thank God. I can actually hear
myself think.
Okay.
Wham, bam, 'Grammed.
Let's get cracking, ladies.
Ooh, they have a fireplace.
Maybe we could light a fire for some inspo.
I don't see any firewood, though.
I don't know how that works.
- Oh, there isn't any. Dang. - I'm on it.
I'm gonna run to the farmer's market.
- Oh, okay. - Okay, everyone else,
phones in a bowl.
I want total focus, no distractions.
Come on.
Come on. In the bowl.
Good girl.
Girls5eva is flawless, aspirational.
We need something that can motivate bitches
on SoulCycle bikes
or play on the news after a devastating hurricane.
- Oh, no. Where? - Are all the dogs okay?
Wickie, I like that. Strength.
- Strength. - Yeah, maybe something like...
What?
- Wait, guys. - Before we go any further,
I do need to say, it's very important to me
that the song mentions the Infinity neck pillow.
- Stop making deals, Summer. - I'm not making deals.
The song is to get the deal.
What if we sing in that,
like, indie-pop, throaty baby, like...
Hey, Summer, you know what would be a huge help?
Would you make the salad?
I'm good.
I smelled a McDonald's on the way up,
so I can stay and collab.
Or you could go and collab,
because behind every great song
is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
Yes.
John was only able to write "Come Together"
once he knew Paul was handling the salad.
Is that true?
Yeah, five sure.
Oh, you know, and thanks
for trusting me with, like, this.
Thank you. I can do this.
Okay, hit the hook again.
Oh, ow!
Oh, come on!
I couldn't get the knife drawer open,
so I used a knife!
Find a Band-Aid, Summer.
Be the hero of your own journey!
Rest assured, this tree died of natural causes.
Gloria?
You look well!
What? Caroline!
- This is crazy. - What are you doing up here?
Are all the teeth fixed in the city?
No. Meth got to New York.
Is Dr. Gloria McManus on vacation?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I'm up here just chillaxing, just, you know, leaf peeping
and creek sniffing, and I might draw
an owl or something, if it warrants the pen.
- This is different. - You worked on our wedding day.
Well, at least the lab coat was white, right?
And the blood was borrowed and new.
Right.
It looks like I have a customer.
- I have a stand here. - Oh, hidey ho.
Look at who's the workaholic now.
My stand. Must get to my stand.
Oh, is this cheddar?
It's soap!
Honestly, could be either one because that is really good.
I'm gonna save that and take a shower with it.
Ow. I hate it.
What's the holdup?
There are no Band-Aids anywhere.
Check the owner's closet.
They always have supplies in there.
Oh, no, no. I don't think we should open that.
We're in a Nest Cam blind spot.
- Here. Let me. - Watch out! Move it.
- Oh. - Summer, no! No!
Put the knife down!
Okay.
Well, look who loosened it.
- Wheels up. - Leaving derailment city.
Okay.
- Who are you? - You are scaring us!
I'm Daphne, the owner.
Don't you divide your time between Ibiza and Arizona?
- You got me. - See, this is my only residence,
so when I Airbnb it, I hole up in here.
It is called the owner's closet.
If you opened a broom closet
and there was no broom, that'd be weird.
Do you have a Band-Aid?
I'm not one for name brands.
- Okay. - All righty then.
Have a great weekend.
- Oh... - Tracks for me.
Wickie, we can't just leave her in the closet.
It's her choice.
- Summer, back me up. - I don't know.
Dracula lives in a coffin. He's very rich.
This weekend is about getting our asses to Jingle Ball,
and I'm worried...
That she's gonna Yoko the salad.
Okay.
I, for one, can't let a woman rot in the closet.
I have been to every women's march
that went by my apartment.
Daphne?
Hi. Please come out.
- Oh, no. - I'm fine in my ma'am cave.
I'm binging "Emeril Live."
I'm on the episode where they went HD.
Now it's a hand-vein show.
Please. We insist.
Really?
Well, okay.
You won't even know I'm here.
- Is this salve also handmade? - That's actually footmade.
Huh.
And did one pair of feet make it or two?
- Just one. - You're not dating anyone?
Or you're dating somebody with no feet,
or you're dating someone with feet
that doesn't want to help you with your stand,
and, I mean, I don't know why they would not be
supportive of you, I mean, unless...
I'm not dating anyone.
- Delightful! - I'll take the salve then.
How's Cornell treating you?
Oh, I left.
Adjunct pay was garbage. I'm at Columbia now.
Really?
So you're back in the city, huh?
- Yep, three days a week. - Gave you a big discount.
Thank you.
Looks like I'm done for the day.
You cleaned me out.
Oh. Cool. Cool. Yeah.
I'm probably just gonna go admire the artistry
of a spider's web or whatevs.
Do you want to hang out?
Yes! Sorry.
That was a combination of yep and let's,
but you know what I meant, right?
Oh.
What?
No, no. I like it,
but if you're stronger than the best,
wouldn't that make you the best?
So why are they still the best?
I think we just became stronger than the best
during the song,
so technically we are the best now.
It's not reflected in the rankings yet.
Why?
Because they come out on Mondays.
Hi!
I know you said no phones, but quickie quesch.
Are croutons wood?
Oh, it's Quest Diagnostics with results
or billing questions.
Can someone hold my hand?
It's okay.
You can squeeze as hard as you want.
I'm a righty.
This is she.
No. I'm not sitting down.
Because I don't want to. Because my butt hurts.
It's okay. You didn't know.
both: I miss this.
Jinx!
You have reached the answering service
of Dr. Gloria McManus.
If this is a dental emergency, press one.
You use teeth for salad!
What is the nature of your dental emergency?
Hi. Yeah, sorry.
I need you to page Gloria to make an emergency salad.
Her groceries are all just hot dogs and noodles!
I tried Googling it, but salad is a QAnon conspiracy theory.
The group gave me the hardest job,
and we need to get to Jingle Ball!
Ma'am, have you had nitrous oxide for a procedure?
Because what you're saying is not making sense.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
This makes no sense.
They put me on salad duty, ma'am,
because they didn't think that I could do it.
Well, they're gonna be sorry
because I'm gonna make the greatest salad
that the world has ever freaking seen,
or I am going to die finding it!
Box of shorts, navy, one pocket.
Is the pocket centered?
Because I need a centered pocket.
Um, it doesn't...
Dawn.
One second.
Is this woman your mother,
and you're too ashamed to tell us?
No. She lost her glasses.
Ooh, these scented stickers have gone bad.
I'm putting her in a closet.
She's not granola bars.
- I bought my mother a house. - I'm allowed to do whatever.
- No, Wickie, please don't. - I'll make sure we can work.
I promise.
Great.
Hey, Daphne.
- Smell this! - It's not grapes anymore!
Oh. Jesus.
Hey, do you have any friends or family close by?
Yeah.
My parents are just up the road.
Would you ever want to go stay with them?
- In the graveyard? - Oh.
I'm so sorry.
No. I'm sorry.
I'm messing up your weekend. I'll hit the clos.
- No, no. - Don't go back in the clos.
You deserve to stay somewhere better.
How about a motel?
Oh, I couldn't.
I'm the one that's supposed to be in hospitality.
How can I serve you? You guys want massages?
Ooh, or I could draw you
if you're okay looking like Garfield.
I can only draw Garfield.
Please, just do the motel.
It'll make me feel better.
I already got you an Uber.
Put in request conversation.
I like the new ink. It was like an Easter egg hunt
finding all your Anne Lamott quotes.
Yeah. I went a little crazy.
- Look at us. - We're a couple of Kid McCoys.
- Hmm? - Oh, the bare-knuckle brawler
who got back with his ex-wife.
I know everyone who has done it.
Jean-Claude Van Damme. Gladys Portugues.
And then Judge Judy and Jerry Judy.
G, this was great, but we're not back together.
- What do you mean? - No, we fixed all our problems.
You're at Colombia, and I'm not a workaholic anymore,
and we just had a dream day.
Oh, hon, just because you're not at work
doesn't mean you're not working.
What?
You spent hours trying to keep those candles lit.
You called yourself a dumb bitch
because you didn't catch a Frisbee.
You couldn't even relax drawing that owl.
And that's a canary beak again.
Well, I mean, if today was so terrible,
why'd we sleep together?
Well, I've always admired that work ethic in the bedroom.
It's bananas. But otherwise, it's too much.
- Good God. - How did I get like this?
Was I ever able to just have fun?
Bus.
Oh, my God!
What's up, MTV?
Our bus just landed at the first stop
of our tour, Buffalo, New York!
We can't wait to kick back, get crazy.
Zero plans. Zero rules.
What up, Girls5eva?
Oh, the Boybies.
Five of them. Five of us.
- Yes. - Hear, hear.
The bad boy of Boybies just yipped at you.
I hear he is gelled from tip to tail.
- Get it, girl. - Uh, yeah.
I love to skoink, but I got to work on my choreo,
you know, feed the snake we perform with.
Yeah. You know, these tires
are really low, so you guys go.
Go enjoy the bright lights
and stunning sounds of Buffalo, New York.
- Okay. - Okay.
Yep, yep, yep.
Are you sure you don't need a sec?
I don't want to stop our momentum.
I can work from the toilet. Yeah.
I just... I need to tune something.
- Hey. - You didn't go to the motel?
You got me thinking.
I do deserve a better place to stay,
and a motel is just a patch.
Next weekend, I'll be back in the closet
peeing into a basket of Easter grass.
So I went to Heidelberg's True Value
and used your money for this. It's a yurt, and it's a palace.
- You gave her money? - For a motel!
This is better. She's investing in herself.
Assembly requires four men or nine daughters.
Oh, mm.
Well, it looks like we need
to find something called the deever.
Ugh!
Wickie.
Are you Dawn from Daphne5eva?
- It's called being nice. - This is not you being nice.
- This is sick. - How?
Because this is all about you.
You can't handle the idea of someone not liking you,
so you buy jeans you don't even like
because you feel bad
about taking up the salesperson's time
or give Uber drivers five stars even if they fart.
You're terrified of confrontation,
unless it's with me after Fallon.
I'm the great exception.
Hey, that took me 15 years,
- and I was full of Negronis!
It's fine. I looked it up.
It's named after Count Camino Negroni.
Dawn, if we're gonna make this group into something,
you're gonna have to grow some labia majoras
and start telling it like it is.
I made salad.
Okay.
Why are your feet so dirty?
Fine.
I walked to a Chili's by the highway,
and this very sweet teenager made it for me
because I don't know how to cook salad
because I don't know how to do anything
because I never had to learn
because I'm just too hot.
Is it 'cause you left school?
You guys think that I don't know
that you put me on salad to get me out of your wigs?
Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas
just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great.
"Stronger than the best"? What does that even mean?
- The song explains it! - It hinges on paperwork!
Ah, shit. That's bad.
We have nothing.
We spent all this money to come up here
and have a perfect weekend, and we have nothing.
- Money, nah. - The place was free.
Dawn, come on. We got work to do.
The place, I'm sorry, was not free.
I Venmoed Wickie $300.
So did I.
It's gauche to talk business, but if you must know,
I'm Instagramming my weekend so our stay is free.
But you still charged us?
A fraction of what those posts are worth.
Toilet the Cat follows me!
Oh, but it's such a bad idea that I'm out there hustling,
trying to make us
the official neck of the Infinity neck pillow?
- Ugh! - Hey, hey, hey.
Everybody take a breath.
We're not gonna get anywhere if we turn on each other.
- Ah! - Oh!
Girls5eva broke me!
I didn't want to mack it with Boybies,
so I became the hard worker,
and I never stopped, and now Caroline
doesn't want to be with me even though we skoinked!
When did you have time to skoink?
Did you not even notice that I've been gone all day?
Of course you didn't.
Just like none of you ever noticed anything
when I was struggling back in the day!
- With acne or... - With coming out!
Right, right.
I mean, I dropped super gay hints.
I insisted that I wear a helmet during "Space Boys."
You should've picked up on that.
Who the hell are you?
- Daphne, Dawn's best friend. - Ugh.
Gloria, I'm so sorry
we didn't pay more attention, then and now.
- Yeah. Me, too. - We can do better.
And I feel terrible asking this now, but who's Caroline?
- Oh, this cabinet is... - This is wobbly.
Guess I'm gonna have to make a shim for that one.
No. No more.
I'm not gonna be the hard worker anymore.
I'm gonna be me. I want to start over.
So do I!
I don't want to just be the hot one.
I wanna know stuff, read about stuff in books,
and then, when I take my glasses off,
people will say,
"Oh, my God. Wow. She's also hot."
Ha!
I shouldn't have been sneaky before.
Maybe I don't have to be the fierce one.
Pride, step aside!
Okay. Okay.
I need to borrow $1.8 million.
- Well, that was very brave. - Yes.
Oh, I feel a weight lifted, Lord!
Dawn, it's your turn.
- Okay. - Shed your skin.
- Shed it! - Shed it!
- Okay!
Daphne.
Tell her.
We have had a good but not perfect stay,
and we're gonna give your Airbnb four stars.
Oh!
Four stars.
That's funny because it's, like,
what we are, you know? Like, we're four stars.
- Summer, you're a genius. - That should be our song.
An anthem to things that aren't perfect
but are still great, just like the four of us.
Like lip injections,
and the of four us. My idea from before.
Dawn, I did it! It's so good!
- What? - What?
- That was so good! - That was so good.
I should've told them about that time
I won "American Idol."
Ah, Daphne. That's not interesting.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
five, five, five.
Mission accomplished.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!