1 00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:15,183 Have you seen the space heater? 2 00:00:15,223 --> 00:00:17,076 I don't know where it is. Wickie moved everything. 3 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,690 No, sorry. Wait. 4 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:19,727 Did you make 5 00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:20,689 the "Maxim" hotlist? 6 00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,189 Oh, yeah. 7 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:25,441 Oh my God, we got this swag bag 8 00:00:25,483 --> 00:00:27,193 from the women's empowerment luncheon 9 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,195 at the Victoria's Secret Trampoline Park. 10 00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:30,423 Oh, a temporary tramp stamp. 11 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,527 "October Sky" now on VHS. 12 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:35,954 I was saving this for the right time. 13 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:36,954 Life lesson. 14 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,995 This is signed by Derek Jeter. 15 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,539 Yeah, we sang the national anthem at Yankee Stadium, 16 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,173 and then some of us got a gift basket 17 00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:45,959 the next morning for 18 00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:48,594 fucking Derek Jeter. 19 00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:52,931 - That is so unfair. - You don't even like baseball. 20 00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:56,059 But no judgments... we both hooked up with celebrities. 21 00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:59,475 The girl that was in her dad's bedbugs commercial? 22 00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:00,937 It aired in three states. 23 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,967 So I made our offish booking page. 24 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,431 So far, we've mostly gotten hit up for foot pics. 25 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,972 - You said you had good news? - Yes. 26 00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:40,345 Then... 27 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:45,482 A DJ asked us if we wanted to headline this. 28 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:50,072 Y2Gay, an early aughts-themed pride party. 29 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,570 - We got our first gig! - Oh! 30 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,362 - Yes! - We're icons. 31 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:56,196 We're Kylie Minogue. 32 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,791 We are Robin. 33 00:01:58,827 --> 00:01:59,987 We are Cher. 34 00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,576 I can do a five-minute plank, too. 35 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:05,331 - Oh. - Wait, isn't Pride in June? 36 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,955 RuPaul said every month is Pride Month. 37 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,253 Thanks, Rusty. 38 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,731 Stop listening to my private conversations. 39 00:02:10,755 --> 00:02:12,295 - Oh. - Anyway, we get to do 40 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,130 a performance, there's a meet and greet 41 00:02:14,175 --> 00:02:17,175 with VIP guests, and ladies 42 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,680 there's a glam budget. 43 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,142 Oh, we can debut "Four Stars." 44 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,852 - Yes! - This is perfect. 45 00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:24,392 I know you're not gonna believe this, 46 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,976 but I've actually never been to a Pride party before. 47 00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:28,402 How? What? 48 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,792 I was too busy drilling, filling, and building. 49 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,976 Oh! Oh, God. 50 00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,316 Okay. 51 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,838 That was six minutes, easy. 52 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,072 Eh. 53 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,163 Gloria, you know I understand the struggle. 54 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,118 - Aw. - I've worn a mask myself. 55 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,579 Mm. 56 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:44,828 When I starred in "The Maskical," the musical. 57 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,925 Wasn't "alrighty, then" from "Ace Ventura"? 58 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,179 - Yes. - Yeah. 59 00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,720 It was a pastiche of the Jim Carrey oeuvre. 60 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:02,715 Neat. 61 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,596 Well, all I know is I can't wait 62 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:08,192 to gay out and bask in the love of my people. 63 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,979 Okay, well, let's all agree 64 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:13,073 tomorrow is Gloria's day, because you deserve it. 65 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,779 Yes, baby girl. 66 00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,819 And, obviously, whomever I take home 67 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,033 will get a gift basket because I'm classy. 68 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:22,449 You can make Max some of those 69 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:24,096 Dr. Craegner's spinach dinosaurs for lunch. 70 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,540 I reject those. 71 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,932 - Okay. - You make whatever you want. 72 00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:28,309 - I'll do cauliflower steak... - But just maybe not 73 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,727 - the cauliflower steak. - With tapenade. 74 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,312 I read that you have to offer a child capers 75 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,376 15 times before they understand umami. 76 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,721 Hey, do you think it's too cold for these? 77 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,587 If I wear thick Beyoncé tights under 'em? 78 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,934 - Did Jeter buy you those? - No! 79 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:42,559 Drew Barrymore and Tom Green sent them 'cause they wanted... 80 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,717 It was a different time. 81 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,846 But they still fit because leather stretches like skin, 82 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,015 because it is skin. 83 00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,976 - What is that face? - What face? 84 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,355 That face. 85 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,742 You look like Gordon the Train 86 00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,318 after Percy and Thomas made fun of him 87 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,033 for his rattling firebox. 88 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,453 God, I hate that weird show. 89 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:04,411 - There's no face. - It's great, you look great. 90 00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:05,912 Have a great show. 91 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,914 Just remember Max and I love you. 92 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,883 Obergefell v. Hodges. 93 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,636 Is that a reference to the Supreme Court 94 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,258 marriage equality case? 95 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:24,314 - It is. - Oh. 96 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,767 But when I bought it, 97 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,687 I did think it was just those two old, mean Muppets. 98 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,307 - Oh. - But then, today, 99 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:32,363 because I'm on my journey to know stuff, 100 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:37,357 on Peloton, I listened to five audiobooks about queer theory. 101 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,532 Well, thank you. 102 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,450 The "Ally's Handbook," "Queer Schmear," 103 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:42,778 the "Mr. Education of Arnie Frang." 104 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,584 - Oh, hi! - Dawn, where are you been? 105 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,617 It's my special day. 106 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,161 Sorry, guys, um... I don't think I can do the show. 107 00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:50,955 Just... I'm having a problem. 108 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,709 Have a little diet pudding mix to get your sugar up. 109 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,229 - It's a panic attack. 110 00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:58,343 I mean, I operate with a pretty high baseline anxiety, 111 00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:00,591 but this is real fight or flight stuff. 112 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,223 - What set you off? - Scott. 113 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,060 I was getting ready for the gig and... and he just looks at me 114 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:08,476 with this like, like, pitying look. 115 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,806 Then do you know what he said? 116 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,442 Some boring shit about capers? 117 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,559 Yes, actually. 118 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:16,605 But then "Remember Max and I love you." 119 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,739 Oh, that son of a bitch! 120 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:22,107 Like, no matter how bad it goes, 121 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,075 or no matter how a huge loser you are... 122 00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,866 I feel like I'm walking a tightrope 123 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:29,660 and he made me look down, and then when I looked down, 124 00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:32,674 I saw I'm just a middle-aged mom from Queens 125 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,087 with soft thighs and her original teeth! 126 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,996 I'm sorry, I just... 127 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:39,165 I just don't think my body's gonna let me do the show. 128 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,344 Hey, wait, wait, wait. 129 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,567 You have to do what pop stars do. 130 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,301 Get an alter ego, right? 131 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:47,063 Nicki Minaj has Roman Zolanski, 132 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,017 Beyoncé... Sasha Fierce. 133 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,267 Ziggy Stardust. 134 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,518 I don't think a cartoon needs an alter ego. 135 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,230 Your knowledge base is so inconsistent. 136 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,690 Summer's right, though. 137 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,690 When I have a shy bladder in a public bathroom, 138 00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:01,362 I channel a person named Urine X Thunder Force. 139 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,613 - I don't know. - Say a cool name. 140 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:04,985 Don't think! Now! 141 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,451 Fledge Mulholland. 142 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,331 Fledge. 143 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,618 I need you to look at Fledge. 144 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:14,543 Fledge is fearless. 145 00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:17,422 Her husband doesn't have a face. 146 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,300 And she could give two Fs 147 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,717 that everybody is judging her for her stupid name. 148 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,717 Okay, today... 149 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:27,889 - Today, I'm Fledge Mulholland. - Fledge. 150 00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:30,887 Say it for the show, guys. 151 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,811 - Here we go. - I am ready to cut loose. 152 00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:40,526 Girls5eva, I'm the DJ, Ned. 153 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,107 Well, Ned, I am pickled to be here, 154 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:46,703 and I can't wait to inspire the crap out of some queer women. 155 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,240 Women? No. 156 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:51,043 This is a daytime rave in an abandoned mannequin warehouse. 157 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:54,497 The sponsors are Vegan Condoms and Skinny Boy Vodka. 158 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:57,499 Guess I sent my dogs to my sister's for nothing. 159 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,042 Well, you know what? 160 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:02,755 I am pumped as punch to feel the love from whoever is here. 161 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:05,877 - We love you, Wickie! - Cease and desist, bitch. 162 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,715 - Wickie, we see you, lady. 163 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,852 I see you too, fellas. 164 00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,679 So I need to tell the sound booth. 165 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:13,984 What are you singing? 166 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,477 Oh, we're debuting our new song, 167 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,098 and she's a banger. 168 00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,895 New... song? 169 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:23,738 No, this is Y2Gay, a pun on a thing 170 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,527 I'm not old enough to know it is. 171 00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,320 People are here for nostalgia. 172 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,034 And because our fog machine is set to have healing properties. 173 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,235 It's fine. 174 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,414 We'll make it work, because it's important 175 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,583 that we do the show for Gloria. 176 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,502 Oh, we're doing the show... 177 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:46,932 Yeah, she is. 178 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:50,506 Party like it's 1990-gay! 179 00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:56,807 Who wants the Jane Hanpussy of a queer pop star, huh? 180 00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,231 That's the inverse of John Hancock. 181 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,060 It's clever! 182 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:01,935 Cease and desist, bitch! 183 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,821 - Oh! - Luca! 184 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,648 What will your fans say? 185 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,154 - She's a goddess! - Next. 186 00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,945 Wickie's line is out the door. 187 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,948 I mean, I'm the gay icon. 188 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:15,331 First same-sex divorce right here. 189 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,390 Well, gay icons are typically glamorous divas 190 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,794 who more often than not are not gay themselves. 191 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,463 I listened to the audiobooks on double speed. 192 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,212 - Thanks for the ma'amsplaining. - Oh, I know more stuff too. 193 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,857 Did you know that queer female TV characters 194 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,025 are much more likely to be killed off 195 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,299 than straight characters? 196 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,302 I didn't know that. Fun facts. 197 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,684 - Oh, I don't think it's fun. - Okay, hi. 198 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,643 - I do what I want. - I don't stress. 199 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,143 Worry isn't really my thing. Do you know what I mean, Brian? 200 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,145 I thought you'd sign the CD I brought, 201 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,017 - and I never told you my name. 202 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:46,315 Wonderful! Next! 203 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,817 Scott? 204 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:52,202 You look... holy shit, Dawn. 205 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,040 Why are you here? 206 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,826 Well, I missed "The Tonight Show" and mall pop-up 207 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,501 'cause I was on Max duty, so I got a sitter. 208 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,380 I wanna see you in action. Hey, hat twins. 209 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:04,918 Well, but you didn't have to come. 210 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,171 It's not like I come watch you guidance counsel. 211 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,774 - Oh, you couldn't. - It's a confidential process. 212 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,508 Hi, Scott. Hey, Dawn. 213 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,361 Do you think you could come get a drink with me? 214 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,505 I can't open cans with my nails... pfft. 215 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,064 Sure. 216 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,517 Why did you invite Scott? 217 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,807 I didn't. He surprised me. 218 00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,811 Oh, God, looks so concerned. 219 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,523 Is it more than just sucking? 220 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,624 Does he have secret information that I'm dying or something? 221 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:28,528 - Look, you have to ignore him. - We have a show to do. 222 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,818 So where's Fledge? 223 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,571 - Driving a Miata somewhere. - Oh, God. 224 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,703 Your imagination is so lame. 225 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,240 You gotta get together. 226 00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,333 Fledge is fearless, 227 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,159 Fledge is sexy, 228 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,504 Fledge is gonna take a shot 229 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:45,289 off of the Skinny Boy Vodka luge right now. 230 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,585 Go get it, Fledge! 231 00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,882 Whoo! 232 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,347 Go. Okay. 233 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,683 - Cease and desist, bitch! - Oh! 234 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:02,314 - You are out of order! 235 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,812 Wickie, Zander. 236 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,774 Your work in "The Maskical" changed my life. 237 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:10,066 All tea, no shade. Thank you. 238 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:13,320 You're welcome, darling baby snuggles baby. 239 00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,331 - Okay, bye. 240 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,409 Okay, bye. 241 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,503 - You slay my ass. - I have no skin. 242 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:25,539 Wickie, didn't "The Maskical" close after like a week? 243 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,673 Only because the signature green cocktail 244 00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,751 dyed everyone's anuses green. 245 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,256 So how did that guy ever see it? 246 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,377 He would be like ten. And it was in Pasadena. 247 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:35,716 I don't know, 248 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:39,060 but he must have been in the crowd feeling seen. 249 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,677 If this is jealousy, it isn't a good color on you. 250 00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:42,975 Next! 251 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,888 - Cease and desist! 252 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,596 - Let's go. 253 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,857 Thanks. Do you have gum? 254 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:52,962 I'm not the bathroom attendant. 255 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,316 Oh, sorry. 256 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,742 Hey, hey. 257 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,830 Just out of queeriosity, 258 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,907 how did "Maskical" change your life, Zander? 259 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,293 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 260 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,209 Oh, you're cute that you don't know. 261 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:08,588 I'm a lip-sync-fluencer. I lip-sync to divas going off. 262 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,626 I've done all the classics. 263 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,565 Katherine Heigl losing it on the script supervisor 264 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,419 on "State of Affairs," 265 00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:17,136 Wendy Williams dressing down a CVS self-checkout machine... 266 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,507 - Hmm. - I rode the Karen wave, obvs, 267 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:21,657 did both sides of the David O. Russell-Lily Tomlin fights, 268 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,931 whoever they are, 269 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:26,604 but then last month, I was panning deep 270 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:31,154 in a community theater subreddit and struck gold. 271 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,408 No, no! 272 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:45,252 Stop "The Maskical"! 273 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:48,578 I see you! I see you, lady. 274 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,455 Cease and desist! 275 00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:52,212 When you snap a photo of my performance, 276 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:55,803 you disrespect me, you disrespect the work, 277 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,340 you disrespect Sir James Eugene Carrey. 278 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,966 Cease and desist, bitch! 279 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,684 My lip-sync blew up gay Twitter. 280 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,975 I got a verified check 281 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:10,228 and now I'm a spokesman for CBD pacifiers. 282 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,271 Blessed! 283 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,897 Come on! 284 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,577 I'll get the Shit Stirrer. 285 00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:26,077 Okay, it's vodka, bubbles, and opinions. 286 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,621 Who are you? 287 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,044 I'm Tipper Gore. 288 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,332 And I'm on-theme. 289 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,205 Cool. 290 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,688 Why are you out here with the normies? 291 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,922 You got a VIP bracelet on. 292 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,344 Oh, I'm giving my wife space, 293 00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:38,882 letting her get into pop star mode. 294 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:41,635 - Mm-hmm. - What? 295 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,928 - Nothing. - Come on. 296 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,222 Well, you're handsome and all. 297 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,686 Big eyes like a Margaret King painting. 298 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,847 But you don't seem like the kind of guy 299 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,015 that'd be married to a pop star. 300 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:54,364 I can see the outline 301 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,609 of your Kindle through your cargo shorts. 302 00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:57,691 For the commute. 303 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,316 I'm finally reading "Team of Rivals." 304 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:02,072 It's just like tends to find like. 305 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:05,235 JLo and A-Rod, Beyoncé and Jay-Z. 306 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,245 Lisa Bonet is with Jason Momoa. 307 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,828 Not, like, a teacher. 308 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:12,174 I'm a guidance counselor. 309 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,668 Ooh, did I just stir shit 310 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,921 'cause I'm paid in bar cherries and bored? 311 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,386 Would you like to know the real reason 312 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:25,007 that you are top doggy around here? 313 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,353 And you! 314 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:31,601 Chomping on Raisinets like it's your identity? 315 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:35,324 Your wet mouth disrespects the work of our director, 316 00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,527 the recently deceased Richie Tompkins. 317 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:38,937 And you 318 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:42,485 your leather pants noises disrespect the theatre. 319 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,700 Take 'em off. 320 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,200 Or I will cut them off 321 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:48,661 with the multi-tool from "The Truman Show"! 322 00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:52,253 Cease and desist, bitches! 323 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:56,170 Cease and desist, bitches! 324 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:59,631 So that's why that phrase sounds so iconic. 325 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:01,133 I invented it. 326 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,554 You're not mad about it? 327 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,932 That rant was a tour de force. 328 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,349 That's French for force tour. 329 00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:09,139 They're making fun of you. 330 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,102 - Nope. - This is classic diva worship. 331 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,442 Figures such as Bette Davis and Judy Garland 332 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,858 are often admired for their ability to exhibit power 333 00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:17,977 from a place of vulnerability. 334 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,444 It's very nuanced. 335 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,154 Well, I'm vulnerable and powerful. 336 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,155 I have a wool allergy. 337 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,067 And I have punched out so many car windows 338 00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:27,446 to free dogs on hot days. 339 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,662 Sorry, but it's not my fault 340 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,913 that everyone admires and looks up to me. 341 00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:35,075 I didn't ask to be a treasured hero. 342 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,165 - Wickie? - Yes! 343 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,340 - Sign my shirt. - Coming. 344 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,676 - Darles? - Hmm? 345 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:48,258 Why does my catchphrase have a little TM on it? 346 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:52,144 - Where'd you get this? - Zander's got a stand. 347 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:53,643 Please remember to tip 348 00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:54,975 your bartenders and mannequins! 349 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,810 Excuse me, fellas. 350 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,855 Famous. 351 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,858 French. 352 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,110 Pharmacy. 353 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:05,781 Hey, I just wanted to say break a leg. 354 00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,782 - Five minutes, Girls5eva. - I love you. 355 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,155 Thank you. 356 00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,751 Oh, and the stage looks slippery 357 00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:13,764 like those stairs at Essentials you slipped down that time. 358 00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:16,538 You might wanna wear sneakers or a square toe... 359 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,633 - Okay. - I can't do this with you here. 360 00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:35,516 Wickie! 361 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,980 Do you want a tank or a trucker hat, 362 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,481 or a tri-blend tee or a cozy? 363 00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:42,193 You need to cease and desist 364 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,943 with "cease and desist, bitch," bitch. 365 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:47,566 Wait, I don't... 366 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:50,374 All this is supes aboveboard, actually. 367 00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:52,158 See, after I lip-sunc to you, 368 00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:53,792 I was like, "Zander be a business boy," 369 00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,428 you know, because my parents are lawyers. 370 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,766 Well, you don't know that. But my parents are lawyers. 371 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,420 Anyway, I looked the phrase up. 372 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,838 It was fully avail, so I trademarked it. 373 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:03,918 But these are my words. 374 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,183 That I made it into art. 375 00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:10,047 Wait, are you not proud of me? 376 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:14,265 - This is theft! - Wickie, I worship you. 377 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:17,807 But what I did took a ton of work. 378 00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,442 You're the subject. 379 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,207 The girl with a pearl earring doesn't get paid. 380 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,901 Vermeer gets paid. 381 00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,231 Vermeer died penniless. 382 00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:26,565 I know this because I watched "Jeopardy!". 383 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,411 How much money did you make, Zander? 384 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,277 You're a queen. 385 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,244 You don't need any of my dumb money. 386 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:36,044 - How much? - Um... between merch 387 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:39,329 and a sponsored post for weight anxiety sneakers 388 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,964 and the remix, and please remember NYU was expensive... 389 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,462 A number, Zander. 390 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,884 $80,000. And also I spent it. 391 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,263 - On NYU? - No, girl. 392 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,050 I told you my parents are lawyers. 393 00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:52,474 On bags and tattoos. 394 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,312 This one says gratitude, and I mean it. 395 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,517 - You human B-side! - Please go off. 396 00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:57,910 I can make enough to buy a Dairy Queen 397 00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,564 that I operate as a joke. 398 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,400 Come on, say something you mutton-sleeved empress. 399 00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,193 - No, you're not. - What are you doing? 400 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:10,026 Oh, it was a photo. 401 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,281 Don't yell at him. 402 00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:12,452 He's just gonna lip-sync it 403 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,620 and sell catchphrase dog raincoats. 404 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,249 First Larry makes money off of me, 405 00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:20,617 then I had a Henrietta Lacks situation but with HPV cells, 406 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:23,875 now Zander is cashing in. 407 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:27,878 Why am I never the one profiting off of me? 408 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,512 It's fucked up. 409 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,549 I just feel totally ignored. 410 00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:37,434 That's how I felt all day, ignored and left out. 411 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:45,319 I finally get empathy. 412 00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:47,437 It's when you feel sad for others 413 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:50,154 because the same thing's happening to you. 414 00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,985 Oh. Thank you. 415 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:54,781 I mean, usually, you can make the leap 416 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,414 without the one to one but... 417 00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,661 Negative four minutes, Girls5eva. 418 00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:01,503 Let's just bail. 419 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,499 My feet are killing me in these show socks. 420 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:05,671 And they don't even wanna hear our new stuff. 421 00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:09,510 I don't wanna sing "Daddy's Hot Friend" again. 422 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,877 Then don't, but we're not bailing. 423 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,853 Fudge is made of diamonds. 424 00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:18,258 They can even be the blood kind. 425 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,386 - She doesn't care. - Good girl. 426 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,143 Ladies, we're doing "Four Stars." 427 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:25,306 I gave the sound booth ten free whitenings. 428 00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:26,645 - Oh, my gosh! 429 00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:29,190 We are Girls5eva! 430 00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:31,574 Oh, damn, Fledge! 431 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,111 That was amazing. 432 00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:42,158 Love you, Wickie! 433 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,768 Wait, what is this song? 434 00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,739 - Come on, diva! - Play your old stuff. 435 00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:17,448 Melt down. Come on, diva! 436 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:21,540 Please, I beseech you, not even ask. 437 00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,958 Yes, come on! 438 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:27,747 Be perturbed, my sovereign! Yes, Wickie live! 439 00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:38,428 - It's my life, Mama! - How dare you, mon frère? 440 00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:40,600 No. Don't take the bait. 441 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:44,098 - Bait taken! - Sit and zip it! 442 00:19:44,142 --> 00:19:45,482 Zip! 443 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,518 Patti LuPone and ! 444 00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:48,831 Don't try to freak out my friends 445 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,725 so you can sell some T-shirts. 446 00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:53,614 'Cause she's not gonna freak out. 447 00:19:55,320 --> 00:20:01,700 She's not gonna be like, "Shut it down, clown town!" 448 00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,753 Order in the sport court. 449 00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:06,917 Time of death? Uh, now. 450 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:10,456 Simon says you gotta go to the bus station 451 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:13,052 and get far away from here... 452 00:20:13,088 --> 00:20:17,378 - Overlong, but... - Bitchard Nixon, okay? 453 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:20,135 You don't get to decide 454 00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:22,968 whether we're gonna sing new stuff or old stuff 455 00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:27,814 because, unlike you, Zander, we have stuff. 456 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,312 Wickie, she spent her whole life 457 00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:32,855 making stuff singing, dancing, 458 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:36,189 spokesmodeling for discount whipped creams... 459 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,606 Available everywhere discounted pies are sold. 460 00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:40,816 - Whoo! - Yeah, girl. 461 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,155 What in the hell have you ever done 462 00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:47,331 besides fail to grow a mustache over that sinkhole? 463 00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:48,672 Ooh! 464 00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:49,934 I just dye my stubble platinum. 465 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:52,128 You're a puppet, Zander. 466 00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:57,128 And Wickie... Wickie is a sexy Geppetto! 467 00:20:57,173 --> 00:21:01,763 She is a sexy Gep-pet-to. 468 00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:04,183 All: Diva, diva, diva! 469 00:21:04,222 --> 00:21:07,392 - That's right. - I'm a flap jacket gay diva. 470 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:10,194 And you're all gonna sit there quietly and watch us 471 00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:12,978 sing this song five more damn times 472 00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:14,613 because we've worked so hard on it. 473 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:19,949 And I don't have to go relieve my dad's nurse until 6:00. 474 00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:22,698 Back to one! 475 00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:29,536 - That was... - Cathartic. 476 00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:31,171 An inspired collab. 477 00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:33,497 Oh, I needed that release so bad today. 478 00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:35,343 I was shook. This is real pee. 479 00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:36,458 - Oh. 480 00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:37,815 Wait, I'm sorry, I missed something. 481 00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:39,049 What happened? 482 00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:41,550 We struck a content deal before the show. 483 00:21:41,593 --> 00:21:43,053 First, Zander would provoke me... 484 00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:46,644 - And then I'd scream at him. - And I get my icon wings. 485 00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:49,061 And then he's gonna lip-sync about it. 486 00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,350 - My friend filmed everything. - We keep 80% 487 00:21:51,394 --> 00:21:54,234 of streaming generated profits and merch from the phrases 488 00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:56,862 "sexy Geppetto and Bitchard Nixon." 489 00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:58,740 - Thank you for those. - Plesh. 490 00:21:58,777 --> 00:22:01,447 - And Zander's army of fans... - Zander Fanders. 491 00:22:01,488 --> 00:22:03,948 Are gonna hear 30 seconds of "Four Stars" 492 00:22:03,990 --> 00:22:06,740 before the rant starts. 493 00:22:06,785 --> 00:22:08,405 That's how you promote a new song. 494 00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:09,703 Oh, my God, it's genius! 495 00:22:09,746 --> 00:22:11,706 Whoo! 496 00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:14,288 You guys, this is allyship, the practice in which a person 497 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:16,924 in a position of power operates in solidarity... 498 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,051 - Yeah, we're good. - We're all learned up. 499 00:22:19,089 --> 00:22:20,419 We got it. 500 00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:25,934 Add me to the list of Ojani Noa, 501 00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:28,220 Sasha Czack, Trevor Engelson. 502 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:30,774 - Who are those people? - JLo's first husband, 503 00:22:30,809 --> 00:22:32,769 Sylvester Stallone's first wife, 504 00:22:32,811 --> 00:22:34,811 Meghan Markle's first husband, 505 00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,274 all dumped once their spouses got famous. 506 00:22:37,315 --> 00:22:39,685 What are you even talking about? 507 00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:41,614 Are you still jealous of Jeter? 508 00:22:41,653 --> 00:22:43,283 We didn't even finish 509 00:22:43,321 --> 00:22:44,840 'cause Jordana Brewster called in the middle. 510 00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,784 It's gonna be so sad one day when I bike up to, like, 511 00:22:47,826 --> 00:22:49,616 Bon Jovi's mansion and go, 512 00:22:49,661 --> 00:22:53,581 "I'm here to pick up my son to take him to a free zoo." 513 00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:56,793 Scott, I'm not leaving you. 514 00:22:56,835 --> 00:22:58,455 You kicked me out of your show. 515 00:22:58,503 --> 00:23:02,473 Because you destroyed my confidence with your pity face. 516 00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:05,427 I was so wrecked I had to make up a badass alter ego 517 00:23:05,468 --> 00:23:06,588 to get through the show. 518 00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:08,006 Her name is Fledge Mulholland 519 00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:09,764 and she got electrocuted in the crotch 520 00:23:09,806 --> 00:23:12,726 so she sits in chairs like this. 521 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:15,187 What? That wasn't pity. 522 00:23:15,228 --> 00:23:16,688 That was me freaking out because 523 00:23:16,730 --> 00:23:20,400 you're Jason Momoa, and I'm normal. 524 00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:24,815 No. 525 00:23:24,863 --> 00:23:27,453 I'm just me. 526 00:23:29,159 --> 00:23:31,239 But I do need your support, Scott, 527 00:23:31,286 --> 00:23:35,076 because I'm doing something that's insane. 528 00:23:35,123 --> 00:23:36,833 And whether you mean to or not, 529 00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:39,085 your face brings me back to earth 530 00:23:39,127 --> 00:23:41,547 and reminds me that it's insane, 531 00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:44,668 because you are grounded and normal 532 00:23:44,716 --> 00:23:46,546 and that's why I love you. 533 00:23:46,593 --> 00:23:48,723 But it's fucking with me onstage. 534 00:23:50,305 --> 00:23:53,015 I need to delude myself like an idiot 535 00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:57,398 if I'm gonna make this group into anything. 536 00:23:59,105 --> 00:24:01,895 Will you be an idiot with me? 537 00:24:01,941 --> 00:24:05,401 - I'll try. - Is this a better face? 538 00:24:07,405 --> 00:24:08,405 Okay. 539 00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:10,238 Okay, you can come to the next show. 540 00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:12,993 Yes! 541 00:24:20,085 --> 00:24:22,835 How dare you, mon frère! 542 00:24:22,879 --> 00:24:25,549 As you can see, it's very popular. 543 00:24:25,590 --> 00:24:27,550 Now, I'm a forward-thinking businesswoman, 544 00:24:27,592 --> 00:24:31,142 so I'd like to trademark all future mouth gems. 545 00:24:31,179 --> 00:24:34,099 Please take dictation. We may be here for a while. 546 00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:37,020 Nothing stickies to Wickie. 547 00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:40,440 Horsies clomp, I stomp. 548 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,070 Nuh-uh, Google. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Weirdo. 549 00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:48,739 Is that anything? Put that down to be safe. 550 00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:51,490 I say sex on the city. 551 00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:54,413 And that's a wrap on hot dogs! 552 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:57,752 She's not gonna be all, "Shut it down, clown town." 553 00:24:57,789 --> 00:24:59,289 Order in the sport court. 554 00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,712 Time of death? Uh, now. 555 00:25:01,751 --> 00:25:05,631 Say yes to that mess, Glengarry Glen Sauce. 556 00:25:05,672 --> 00:25:10,472 Huston, we have a middle finger... kabloom! 557 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:12,140 Club sandwich. 558 00:25:12,178 --> 00:25:15,428 Simon says we gotta go to the bus station 559 00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:19,853 and get far away from here, Bitchard Nixon! 560 00:25:19,894 --> 00:25:21,524 What? 561 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:57,140 Cease and desist, bitch! 562 00:25:57,182 --> 00:25:59,642 Your nose breathing is more 563 00:25:59,684 --> 00:26:01,394 offensive to the theater 564 00:26:01,436 --> 00:26:03,976 than what John Wilkes Booth did! 565 00:26:05,231 --> 00:26:07,441 Cease and desist, bitch! 566 00:26:18,411 --> 00:26:20,461 - Good night, everybody. - Good night.